


You’ll always be a part of me

by Dance_Alone



Category: Hurts (UK Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 18:54:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14624955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dance_Alone/pseuds/Dance_Alone
Summary: Who we are and who we were...





	You’ll always be a part of me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Here's a little something from me that was stuck in my head for a while. So I wrote it down. Maybe you like it. :)  
> ___________  
> Title inspired by Daggers' 'Leave'

There’s happy chatter all around. Laughter coming from the kitchen. Bottles and glasses clinking together. It’s a fun night. Everyone’s happy to be back together and share some stories from the last months.

After the second part of the Desire tour was finished, Theo took the chance for a longer stay in the US, meeting up with his friends there. I was staying at home in London, doing my stuff here, having some good days, some bad ones. Nothing out of the ordinary. But now that the festival season is starting soon, Theo is back and we decided to have a Come together with our whole crew and some common friends of ours. We started off in a restaurant, having dinner and then moved on to a bar, enjoying music and drinks. After that, everyone who still didn’t have enough, ended up in Theo’s apartment for the after party. There I’m currently sitting in an arm chair, watching the people around me. Chenai left me a few minutes ago, wanted to mix us some new drinks in the kitchen.

My gaze slides over to Theo. He’s talking to someone on the other side of the room. He looks excited, gesticulating wildly with his hands while he’s telling something. Probably some adventurous story he has experienced during the last months. I have to smile while watching him. It feels good to have him back. I know it’s important for us to do our own thing from time to time. There were so many years we spent nearly constantly together, hardly allowing us a break, not even when we started to be successful. When Theo and I are together we are always working on something. We’ve become so used to it during all this time, it’s in our nature. So now a few years into this business I think we have learned that it’s also important to take a step back every now and then, not always pushing ourselves. It’s healthier this way. But still, I somehow always feel more complete when Theo and I are in the same place again. It’s hard to explain, it’s just the way it is.

I look at Theo some more. The holidays have done him good. He looks happy and relaxed. His tanned skin, kissed by LA’s sun, forms a nice contrast to his white shirt. Theo catches my eye over the room and he smiles, winks at me. The twinkle in his eyes sends a little flutter through my stomach. Another thing I can’t really explain. I can’t deny the effect he has on me sometimes, still after all this time. I smile back at him and take a sip of the water in front of me, while Theo is already talking again to one of our friends next to him.

I’m not quite sure why I’m thinking about this now, but there has been a time when Theo and I were more than just friends. Maybe it’s because of this whole evening. These get-togethers and sharing common memories always make me a bit emotional and reflective of the past. But there are memories that no one of these people in the room know about, except Theo of course. Memories that go back further, way before HURTS was born.

When I first met Theo he was still a kid actually. Nineteen years old and me being two years older than him, wasn’t really much more of an adult either. Since we lived at different sides of the town and couldn’t afford the bus to each other’s house, we started making music together over the internet. After this one fateful night outside the 42nd street nightclub we didn’t see each other for months. Our communication was restricted to writing emails at first, which was a strange way to get to know someone. Over the course of time we’ve become friends, forming different bands together, somehow trying to make our dream come true.

When we are telling our story in interviews it always come across quite romantic but actually living through it wasn’t easy and our lives have been really miserable at times. With no money and no proper jobs I somehow reached a point where I had no home. But there was Theo who let me live with him in his small apartment, which really didn’t provide enough space for two people. But we managed somehow. I basically lived on his couch and this time bound us together even more.

Then there was one night that changed our relationship forever. Now when I’m thinking back to it, it doesn’t even feel as if there’s been one decade between then and now. I can still remember everything very clearly. We came home late and pretty exhausted from practicing for several hours with our band Daggers. We had a show to play the following weekend and even if we had no clue how many people would show up this time, every gig was important to us. We’ve always been very serious about this and no matter if we played for one person or for 500 we always gave it our all.

Theo and I were sprawled out over the couch watching some movie. At some point Theo got up, asking me if I wanted a beer as well. I never said no to that. When Theo came back, he placed two beers from a cheap brand on the table in front of us. I mumbled a “Thanks” and opened mine right away, taking a big gulp. It wasn’t that good, but well it had to do. It was not like we weren’t used to cheap food and drinks. After a while I noticed that Theo must have somehow moved closer to me during the movie. His arm was placed on the backrest behind me and I could even feel the warmth radiating from his body. The couch wasn’t that big but not that small either to justify Theo’s closeness. I didn’t mind it, though. But when he began to stare at me, which I could see out of the corner of my eye, I started to become slightly uncomfortable. I was a very insecure person at that time and didn’t know what he wanted from me. When he didn’t look away, I had to eventually meet his gaze. He was really close and looked at me with these big brown eyes quite intensely and somewhat expectant.

“Is something wrong?” I asked, my voice unsure.

“No…” he said and then he was silent again but kept fixating me. He thought about something, so much was clear. But I couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Why are you looking at me then?” I asked carefully, already becoming fidgety.

“It’s just… I was wondering… Have you ever done something with a guy?” He bit his lip after the question was out.

I can only imagine that I stared at him like an idiot. This question definitely caught me off guard. I even wondered for a second if I got him right, but actually with that question there wasn’t much to misinterpret.

“Um no… Have you?” I asked back the first thing that came to my mind.

“No… But I’ve thought about it. I’m kind of curious actually…” he gave me a suggestive look.

I gulped audibly. My heart began to beat fast in my chest, my thoughts running wild. Was he implying that he wanted to try it out with me? Oh god! How on earth should I react to that? I had never thought about this. So all I came up with was an hesitant “okay...”, really not knowing what else to say.

“Okay what?” Theo was raising an eyebrow. “Oh come on Adam, don’t leave me hanging like that. Tell me, what you think,” his voice was soft and the hand that had been resting behind my head was lightly touching my neck now.

“I… I don’t know,” I stuttered dumbly, my skin suddenly feeling incredibly hot where he was touching me. At the same time the contact made me shiver. I just hoped he didn’t notice. Now that I found myself in that situation I had to admit that I wasn’t that opposed to the idea of getting closer to my friend. It intrigued me actually. It was just, I had never even considered it a possibility before but of course I had noticed that Theo was an attractive guy, I wasn’t blind. I guess Theo was already sensing that I might be interested in his offer or he wouldn’t have made that move.

“Mmh, maybe I can help you with the decision…” Theo mumbled, decreasing the distance between us. He knew what he wanted and he just went for it. He was always so brave and I admired him for that. It was definitely a reason why I was drawn to him.

So I just let it happen. I let him seduce me that night. It was actually quite innocent. Lots of kisses and exploring each other’s bodies. The touches were rather awkward at first, but it felt good. It really did. I was nervous as hell. To be honest at that time I wasn’t even very experienced with women either. But I didn’t tell Theo that. I knew he was more lucky when it came to women. He was just bolder and most of the time he got rewarded for it. And even if he embarrassed himself from time to time, it didn’t really discourage him and he just tried with the next girl. I couldn’t be like that. Approaching women was difficult for me and frankly spoken it still is up to that day.

But no matter how inexperienced we were with each other back then, it was damn exciting and I will always remember this night very fondly. After that what we had was something like an affair. We hooked up occasionally, whenever we felt like it. It was easy and we could give each other what we needed at that time. We never talked much about that “thing” between us but somehow it was clear right from the start that it would never be more than that. Neither of us was gay. I don’t know if Theo ever did something with other guys. I didn’t. Fact is, we only ever dated women and couldn’t imagine it any other way. But when we were both free, we more often than not found comfort in each other…

Talking about comfort, I also remember one night very vividly. We came home from Sheffield after playing a gig there and we were absolutely devastated. Someone had broken into the car where all our equipment was in and we were left with nothing. How could we be a band when we had no gear? I remember how we sat there on our couch staring into nothingness.

“It’s over, isn’t it?” Theo suddenly asked without turning his head to me.

His words somehow made it real for me. But still, I didn’t want to believe it was true. We weren’t very successful with the band. It was dead end, to be honest. I had known that for a while, but it was all we had, all we worked for over the past years. We were losers, living on the dole and Daggers was the only thing that gave meaning to our lives, a sense of safety. To end the band was probably the most difficult decision we ever had to make.

When I looked at Theo I saw the same despair in his eyes that I felt in myself. That night was the first and only time I saw Theo cry and it shook me to the core. He was normally so optimistic, could make something good out of nearly every situation, no matter how bad it seemed, but not this time.

He had his head buried in his hands, crying silently and I sat there next to him helplessly, ready to drown with him. After some time he looked up to me, his eyes red and teary, but still so beautiful. “Adam…” he let out a shaky breath, “I don’t know if I can go on like this. We’ve been on the dole for nearly three years and our lives are miserable. Is this dream we are chasing really worth all the sacrifice?”

I looked at him for a long time, thinking about it. We never had a plan B and I just couldn’t imagine us doing anything else but at the same time I had no idea how to keep going with our current situation being so hopeless. “I don’t know, really and at the moment I can’t think. It’s just too much…” I gave back, being close to a mental breakdown myself.

Theo scooted closer to me, raising his hand to touch my cheek. “Yeah, maybe we should stop thinking for tonight.” And with that he lowered his lips on mine. I welcomed him immediately. This was the best and maybe only way I knew to comfort each other. Our kisses tasted a bit salty. I didn’t even know if it were his tears or my own and I didn’t care. Everything molded together and soon the only thing that mattered was the feeling of Theo’s hot mouth against my own, his heavy breaths washing over my face, his body pressed to mine. And I think Theo felt the same, needed the closeness as much as I did. He climbed into my lap, straddling me. We were wrapped up in each other so tightly that nothing would have fit between us. I could feel his arousal and I just wanted him the same.

I was impatient and just ripped his shirt apart. There was no big damage done, regarding the fact that it had only been held together by safety pins anyway. It was the way Theo dressed at that time, all punk and stuff. Theo stopped harassing my lips for a moment and set up a little, just so much that he could get his trousers off. He then continued with my clothes, tearing them off my body. When both of us were finally naked, he sat down in my lap again, crashing our mouths together once more. We really weren’t gentle that night but the roughness was just what we needed to deal with all the bitterness and frustration we felt.

Theo began to stroke my length, making me ready for what was to come. I moaned between harsh kisses but held my breath when I saw Theo position himself above me. He guided me in and let himself sink down on me not too slowly. It must have hurt with him not having had any kind of preparation but it seemed that was his intention. Physical pain to numb anything else. He started to move on top of me, his face relaxing more and more when pain turned into pleasure. I was constantly watching him, not able to take my eyes of him. His eyeliner was smudged, his hair even messier than usual. He had something wild and untamed. It turned me on.

I was holding onto his hips, guiding him along. He rested his hands on my chest, his head thrown back, so lost in himself. I felt my need for release getting stronger by any second and I was thrusting up hard now to meet Theo’s fast movements. Theo slung his arms around my neck, catching my lips in a chaste kiss and speeding up the rhythm even more. The way we clung to each other had something desperate. But it was good and it felt right.

He groaned and panted into my mouth when I kept hitting the perfect spot inside him. I knew he was very close, but I was right there on the edge with him. The way he clamped down around me set every nerve cell in my body on fire. He rode me frantically for another few seconds until he came between us, his whole body shaking. With all the wired up energy leaving him in an instant, he slumped down on me, lying there like a rag doll. I needed to thrust up a few more times until I finally reached my climax as well.

That night was the closest I got to Theo. Emotionally. The misery we were both feeling binding us together. For us it felt like the world would end there, but it didn’t. Daggers was over and after about a month of being down and not knowing what to do with ourselves and our lives, we just did the only thing we knew. We continued making music. This time for no special purpose, because we didn’t have a band anymore, but just for ourselves. Just the two of us. What came out, was something pure, real emotion and the beginning of the band that we are. The beginning of HURTS. I realized that sometimes you need to burn everything down to start again and finally everything began to fall into place.

All of a sudden we were successful. And with the success came the fame. And with the fame came parties, women, alcohol… always so much alcohol. It’s so easy to get lost in this world. Nevertheless I would say we were still able to keep our feet on the ground, mainly because we had each other and weren’t alone on this crazy journey. But we also wanted to savor our new life, enjoy everything to the fullest. At the beginning we were afraid that everything could be taken away from us again in a blink of an eye. So no matter how hard we tried to not let this get to us, fame did consume us to some extent.

I don’t think we changed so much as people, apart from a normal development that comes with experiencing things in life. But along the way our relationship has definitely changed. It wasn’t just the two of us anymore, living in a small apartment, leading a poor life. Our world has become so much bigger. Which was actually a good thing, but at the same time it took away some of the intimacy we had once shared.

It wasn’t an abrupt change, though. Rather something that came slowly and naturally with time passing by. During the first years of being successful we still slept with each other sometimes. Or maybe I should rather say there had been some casual drunken fucks… But those encounters had become rare until it stopped completely at some point. Only god knows why. Maybe there was too much other distraction. Maybe we just didn’t need each other that way anymore. Maybe he didn’t need me that way anymore... It was only then that I realized it had somehow always been up to Theo. I had just been following his lead.

Do I miss it what I had with him? Yes, sometimes I do. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like now if we would ever come so close to each other again. And maybe Theo is feeling the same. There are still these moments between us. An unspoken question behind a look. A possibility behind a touch. But we never act on it. And at the end of the day I know it’s better to leave it this way. It would be stupid to start something again that could come to stand between us some day, risking our friendship and everything we’ve worked for. We are not those teenagers anymore. Fooling around without a thought about tomorrow. We are grown-up men with a responsibility for our lives.

“Adaaam! Are you dreaming??” a voice creeps into my consciousness and I can see Chenai waving her hand in front of my face.

“Um sorry, you know I like being in my own world every now and then, having interesting conversations with some imaginary figures,” I give back to her, slightly grinning.

“Oh yes I know how weird you are, Anderson!” she laughs. “So what about that cocktail now? I mixed it just for you!”

***

“Okay, enough with cleaning up! The rest can wait until tomorrow, or rather today or whatever,” Theo exclaims. All the guests have left by now and it was just the two of us in Theo’s kitchen. I’ve helped him collecting the bottles and glasses, scattered all around the apartment and clearing away the biggest mess.

“So, are you tired yet? You do stay here tonight, right?” Theo asks, while letting himself fall on a kitchen chair.

“Actually I’m not tired at all at the moment and yeah, I’m gladly using your couch later,” I say, smiling at him.

“Perfect! Just like the good old times!” he chuckles and when we look each other in the eyes, the atmosphere suddenly becomes a tad more serious. Maybe Theo is also remembering now what we were to each other in those times and what we did together on his couch in the tiny flat all these years ago. But in the next second the moment goes by and the tension is gone again. It’s not the first time I’m left wondering if these situations are even real or if I’m just imagining things.

“So, as the night is still young and none of us is tired, we can as well continue with the party,” Theo grins mischievously, already making his way over to the fridge, getting us new drinks.

“I guess I stick with water now, already had enough for today,” I state, having no intention of getting drunk.

“Whatever, mate!” Theo gives back, rolling his eyes. I can tell that he’s already had his share as well but he’s old enough to know when to stop.

The hours go by, Theo’s drink is empty again after I-don’t-know-how -many refills. He’s sitting on the kitchen table, still babbling or rather slurring by now. I am leaning against the counter, watching how his mouth is forming the words. It must be about five in the morning or later, we’ve lost track of time somehow. I love those nights that are just spent talking about the universe, especially with Theo. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed him.

“We should go to bed, Theo. It’s late or rather early.”

He looks up at me with glassy eyes. “Yeah ok, you’re right I guess,” he mumbles and gets up from the table, swaying a bit. When he walks towards me, some strands of hair hanging in his face, his shirt partly unbuttoned so that his chest is showing, I can’t help but think he looks sexy.

“Um, can you give me a pillow and a blanket for the couch?” I’m trying to concentrate on the practical things for a moment.

Theo stops in front of me, sighing. “The stuff is hidden somewhere in my closet. You can just sleep in my bed with me. It’s easier.”

My heart stops for a second only to beat twice as fast after that. There are immediately alarm bells going off in my head. Maybe his thoughts are innocent but I shouldn’t be so close to Theo. Not when he’s still got this effect on me. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Theo.” I’m trying to sound calm, hoping his drunken mind would understand.

Theo steps even closer and I find myself pressed up between the kitchen counter and his warm body. “I know what you’re thinking. You’re scared. Don’t be scared,” he says with this deep sensual voice that gives me goosebumps every fucking time. His lips are so close to mine now. We’re only inches apart, we’re breathing the same air. Time seems to stand still. I’m frozen to the spot, my mind absolutely blank.

“Adam, I…” Theo breaks the silence again, “…sometimes I wish we…”

His voice is pulling me out of the trance. “Theo don’t! You’re drunk,” I interrupt him, gently pushing him away a bit.

“I know I am,” he states and eventually takes a step back. The moment is over, the spell broken. When I look into his eyes, I see longing, mixed with a hint of sadness, but also acceptance maybe. “I will bring you a blanket and a pillow,” he says and smiles shortly at me before leaving the kitchen.

I’m left here standing, my knees weak and my heartbeat still out of rhythm. Only he has this power on me, only he can confuse me like that. He always leaves me defenseless. There’s a struggle going on inside of me and I just don’t know how to feel. My head knows I’ve done the right thing but the problem is my heart doesn’t want to believe it. For a crazy second I wish I would have let Theo finish his sentence. But whatever he wanted to say, would it have changed anything? Would I want something to change? I don’t know.

Whatever it is between Theo and me, I will probably never fully understand. I guess we’ll always be friends and we’ll always be something more.


End file.
